"forgiveness, can you imagine?"
on the muse who broke my heart and how i'm feeling almost two years later
I have to bring a notepad to an event I am hosting tonight and found one, but I had to tear away pages I already wrote in.
Turns out this was the notepad I wrote letters to my ex in!
It’s kind of funny now that I started this Substack because I was so heartbroken over him, and one of the concepts I played around with was oversharing texts I wrote to him, texts I wanted to write to him, and even places I cried in post-breakup and putting it all behind a paywall. It was definitely petty AF but I thought if artists could make money off their heartbreak, I could at least try too! Anyway, no one has paid for a subscription yet so it hasn’t worked (but if you’re that curious, come buy me a coffee and encourage more people to do so too—and it will unlock the vault of cringe!).
I did want to share the second to last letter in the series as I feel it so much deeper now.
March 12, 2023 (8:49PM)
I stopped writing in here because I think you unblocked me. I don’t want to message you anymore though. As much as I am angry, sad, and still every bit devastated, I need to begin focusing inward in order to truly heal. I just hope that you remember the last few weeks as part of the story. I hope that you also remember that I was happy, loving, fun, and free. I hope you remember that times I cried wasn’t because of you but because of my pain and suffering from the past and in my life. I’m going to try to make space now. I have books to read, pictures to paint, and a story to write. I wish I said ‘I love you’ when we were together. And I know that I do and I always will. But I need to love myself more. And if our paths cross again, then they will if it is meant to be. Here’s to a healthier path forward.
Unfortunately, that was not the exact moment I let go because I spiraled when I saw him on Hinge and Bumble a month later and went off again before I finally stopped trying to connect with him for good!
Part of me wishes that I really was able to let go after I wrote this instead of continuing to let this person who obviously acted like he didn’t care about me consume my life. But I realize now that I needed all of this to unfold the way it did.
If we never got into a relationship, I wouldn’t have had the wounds from the relationship before that come to the surface and seek healing from it.
I would have never realized that I was capable of loving someone else so much after that first long-term relationship that gave me wounds from many years ago.
I also discovered things I liked about myself and what I do want in relationships, from this one and from the rebound that followed, as well as what I don’t want. I definitely know that I don’t want to chase and beg for someone to love me the way I want them to love me. We have to meet people where they’re at and sometimes that means moving on if it’s not a match.
I wish I had shown more compassion for the both of us.
I wanted to share this because just earlier, I had listened to one of my new friend Priscilla Little’s videos and it was on the act of forgiveness. I feel like lately I’ve actually been noticing all the synchronicities in my life, and it just felt like I was meant to find these letters at the right time.
I still think about this person sometimes and as much as I was hurt by how our time together ended, I genuinely hope they are learning and growing and happy and healthy. It doesn’t mean I want to reconcile or that I forgot about the ways they broke my heart. But forgiveness can feel like such a weight lifted off our shoulders. So I choose to forgive so I can continue to heal and be the best version of myself.
One exercise I have on my manifesting journey is to get more clear on what I truly want in my next partner and relationship. But like March 2023 me said, I need to love myself more…and I’m enjoying the focus on that! :)
I’m going to Disneyland for the first time in six years on Friday, so I’ll catch up with you all next week unless there’s some relevant breaking news of some sort. Remember you can always follow my Notes for little-sized nuggets!
with lots of self-love radiating towards you,
karen