"i feel so uninspired / all the songs i write are about you."
notes on an artist who played a part in three distinct stories featuring men that were once in my life
I attended my first indoor concert featuring a vocalist since COVID started. I saw Anna of the North on Thursday at The Independent. As soon as tickets went on sale in November, I snatched them right up!
It’s pretty funny how I came to enjoy her music. In 2019, I casually dated someone who lived on the same street as the music venue and he had some beautiful music pumping through the TV. The music and her voice was ethereal and I felt transported into another world. I’m pretty sure it was “The Dreamer” and “Oslo” that I first heard. Anna of the North sounded like a badass artist name too, so I didn’t forget it. (As for the guy, that whole situation fizzled after a couple of months, though he did call me over a year later — LOL! — to try to hang out with me during the early part of the pandemic. We went for a park walk and long story short, it still did not work out!)
When I was settling into my current spot in downtown SF in early 2021 and we were still somewhat in isolation, I watched To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before on Netflix and when “‘Lovers’ by Anna of the North” showed up on the closed captioning, it took me back to that summer day I was in that guy’s apartment enjoying the music, and I finally took it upon myself to check out her full discography. Just a week or two later, her Dream Girl album became a bit of a soundtrack for my pandemic situationship (Which ended because he just slowly ghosted and he said no to a House of Prime Rib group reservation that I told him about MONTHS in advance!).
Now going through a more profound breakup (Different guy from the two I referenced) two years later, I realize how much I can truly relate to Anna’s music. What makes it so unique in the context of heartbreak is that the songs aren’t necessarily full of rage and they fall in a range of whimsical or upbeat productions. She talks about losing yourself in someone else and how it’s hard to go on and even be yourself when you separate from them. She talks about wishing them well on their journeys and even hopes for reconciliation one day. She talks about still loving the person she separated from but knowing why it didn’t work out and setting them free. It’s all really beautiful and so real to my current experiences, but with some tunes, you wouldn’t understand that the lyrics or at least the themes are actually pretty melancholy.
I put together a little Spotify playlist of my favorite songs by Anna of the North relating to the post-breakup feels.
"Moving On”
You’ll feel better in your own time.
“Feels”
Don’t you know you make me feel like I’m falling apart now? / You got a hold of my heart / Feels like a storm in my heart.
“Bird Sing”
’Cause I keep holding onto something, that don’t belong to me / You do whatever you want, baby / You should be exactly the way you want, babe / They don’t know you, the way that I do.
“Dandelion”
If you love someone, you should set them free / Maybe one day, you’ll come back to me / And you can tell me all about what you’ve seen.
“Nobody”
I miss the days you give me everything without even tryin’ / Now the distance between us gets bigger and bigger by day.
“Dream Girl”
Sometimes I like to get a little drunk just to have some fun and be no one / I kinda like the girl that I’ve become when I’m all alone since you been gone.
“No Good Without U”
Tell me how you do it / Sleep so well at night / ‘Cause I’m so out of balance in my mind
“Leaning On Myself”
Thought that I’d feel free, but the freedom comes slow.
“My Love”
If I never see you back here on the streets, know I’ll always keep you somewhere close with me.
Some other favorites that don’t really go with the theme of this playlist:
“Someone” (I requested on Facebook that she sing it at the show - request fulfilled!)
Been loving the beach lately. Other things I did that lifted me up lately:
Attended a virtual Filipinx American Roundtable on mental health, hosted by NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) San Francisco.
Had a lovely social event with staff and members of one of the young professionals organizations I’m with, then danced my ass off at a Girls Night Out throughout my old neighborhood of North Beach.
Did bikram yoga for the first time (AKA did some of the poses halfheartedly and sat out for like 3/4 of the class), had lunch at Park Chalet, and watched the sunset and crashed a beach party with one of my besties.
Attended an exclusive film screening of $avvy featuring a post-screening Q&A with women in finance and a reception. Definitely further inspired me to take care of my money! (But also, I need to make more of it)
As we’ve started a new month, I wish I could say that I’ve completely gotten over this breakup. I notice that as much fun as I’ve been having, I still find myself in tears once I’m out of the public view. I’ve definitely come a long way from the last two weeks of February, when I was not eating a lot, feeling very reclusive, and sending texts to try to get answers about the why. Yet as the days are getting warmer, I still wish he was around so that we could experience these spring days together.
So the truth of the matter is when you ask me “How are you?” I’m getting through it but it’s still difficult and I don’t even know how to measure any progress. Lately, the days have been good overall…I just get so deeply sad at random times of those days. I definitely still feel a void from what used to be there. As always, I hope this new month does bring positive change, and that the days and nights are less stained with tears. I wish for peace, abundance, and growth.
I feel like I am doing a decent job of posting consistently every Monday and Thursday at the very least. Help me build community by subscribing for free or upgrading your subscription, or simply by sharing this post.
Thank you for giving me a space to heal.
-Karen